


Gusts of Freezing Air Whisper to Me That You're Gone

by vulcanarmr



Series: Everything Ends, and It's Always Sad. But Everything Begins Again, Too, and That's Always Happy. [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Canon Compliant, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Dean Winchester Says "I Love You", Depressed Dean Winchester, Gen, Hurt, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Pain, Sad, Sad Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad Ending, Season/Series 15, The Empty (Supernatural), What Have I Done, like seriously this is more angst than usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:33:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25326193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulcanarmr/pseuds/vulcanarmr
Summary: "It’s been six days since Jack spilled the beans on Cas’ deal."
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Everything Ends, and It's Always Sad. But Everything Begins Again, Too, and That's Always Happy. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1834381
Kudos: 41





	Gusts of Freezing Air Whisper to Me That You're Gone

**Author's Note:**

> oh boy, this one's pretty angsty...i'm so sorry. (title from a new hope by broken iris)

It’s been six days since The Empty took Cas.

That’s the first thought in Dean’s head when he wakes up. It’s been six days since Jack spilled the beans on Cas’ deal. Six days since Dean’s heart broke when he found out. Six days since the argument with Cas about why he would keep that hidden. Six days since the kiss. Six days since Cas said ‘I love you.’

Six days since Dean said ‘I love you’ back.

Dean’s drunk himself to sleep every night since. He hasn’t left his room except to get booze. He hasn’t talked to Sam. To anyone.

Well.

He’s prayed to Cas.

Not that Cas can hear.

He’s gone.

Dean sits up, and he wants a drink. He _needs_ a drink. Now. He knows he’ll end up drinking himself to death at this rate, but he doesn’t much care. And who knows. Maybe Chuck has something else in mind, so maybe he won’t die from alcohol overdose or liver failure after all. Whatever. He wishes he could.

He’s disappointed to find that he’s finished off the whiskey bottle from last night. And all the beer bottles are empty. So Dean stands slowly, his head screaming in agony, but it’s nothing compared to what his heart feels like. His heart feels like it’s been ground to dust. His will to live is in about the same condition. But it’s not the first time he’s felt this way, so he’ll push on. He’s going to talk to Sam today. He’s going to pretend his heart isn’t breaking even more with each moment. He’s going to pretend that this isn’t different than other times Cas has been gone. He’s going to pretend he can move on. So he moves to the door. He hesitates as he stands in the door frame, looking back at his room. He wishes he had more of Cas to keep with him. But The Empty didn’t give time. The closest thing he has to his angel is the mixtape he made for him, and Jack. He’ll protect both with his life.

He finds it in him to move again, and he heads out of his room and into the library, finding Sam. It’s affected Sam too, of course. But differently. Sam’s been reading over every lore book he can find, trying to find a way to bring Cas back. Dean knows he probably should do the same. But then again, he knows there is no way back, so why try. He’s given up.

Sam looks up from the book he’s currently reading, and he looks surprised and concerned when he sees Dean. “Hey,” he says softly, and Dean appreciates the gentleness of the tone. “You okay?”

It’s a stupid question. Beyond stupid. Dean shouldn’t even bother answering. But he shakes his head. He sits across from Sam, saying nothing, not knowing what to say. He’ll never be okay. Never be even close. And to think that years ago he imagined he might be happy one day. It’s never going to happen. Dean takes a deep breath, before he finally speaks.

“How do we kill God?”

**Author's Note:**

> again, i'm sorry, remind me not to write when i'm sleep deprived. this is part of a two-part series, so be sure to check out part two 👀 (it's still angsty but it's a lil bit better, i promise.)


End file.
